Stillbirths: Providing Support after the Loss of a Child

In a recent conversation with my sister, who is six months pregnant, it came up that her husband's relative had gone through one of life's cruelest experiences: a stillbirth. As I understand it, she was 7 months pregnant. My sister was set to share a baby shower with her. She is a very emotionally intelligent person, as well are many of us, but this is a situation that many people will never encounter. So it begs the question, with the absolute devastation that these parents are feeling, how do you provide support?

NOTE: Please keep in mind that there are other forms of perinatal loss (miscarriage, neonatal death, babies with permanent health anomalies, traumatic birth experience, adoption)

One must first understand the FOUR PHASES OF BEREAVEMENT (adapted from J. William Worden: Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy):

1. Shock and Numbness (first 2 weeks). This phase is characterized by a short attention span, difficult concentration, disbelief, lack of functioning, and denial.

2. Searching / Yearning (2nd week - 4th month). This phase is characterized by anger, guilt, restlessness and resentment primarily. There may be an obsession with getting pregnant again or a preoccupation with the deceased. Physically this phase may see a weight gain or loss, sleeping difficulties, aching arms, weakness and headaches.

3. Disorientation(5th to 9th month). This phase is characterized by a psychological confusion: "I'm Going Crazy" feeling, social withdrawal, forgetfulness, guilt, depression, insomnia, sadness, exhaustion and this overwhelming feeling of failure.

4. Reorganization and Resolution (half a year to 2nd year). Begin to think about the future again with their renewed sense of energy. They are able to smile and laugh again. Eating and sleeping habits are re-established.

Knowing these phases can better equip you with dealing with a grieving person.

Here are just a few things that you CAN SAY / DO:

"I'm sad for you"

"How are you doing with all this?"

"What can I do for you?"

"I'm sorry, I'm here and I want to listen"

Listen, touch, cry, attend the ceremony, remember them on all anniversaries (baby's due date, birthday and death day)

Here are things that your SHOULD NOT SAY:

"You're young, try again"

"You have an angel in heaven"

"Better this happen now, before you knew the baby"

"This happened for the best"

Calling the baby "fetus" or "it"

Here is also a list of resources to assist. Remember it is never too late for expressing your feelings to the family about their loss.

Giving Support After a Stillbirth. (This article is a general overview but very helpful)

Limbo, R.K. and Wheeler, S.R. (1998), When a baby dies: a handbook for healing and helping (2nd edition).

J. William Worden's Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy.

Lost Dream is a Canadian Based organization dedicated to helping the grief-stricken.