ORGANIZATION PROFILE: SHARE - Pregnancy and Loss Support, Inc.

MISSION:

"The mission of Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support, Inc. is to serve those whose lives are touched by the tragic death of a baby through pregnancy loss, stillbirth or in the first few months of life.

The primary purpose is to provide support toward positive resolution of grief experienced at the time of, or following the death of a baby. This support encompasses emotional, physical, spiritual, and social healing, as well as sustaining the family unit.

The secondary purpose of Share is to provide information, education, and resources on the needs and rights of bereaved parents and siblings. The objective is to aid those in the community, including family, friends, employers, members of the congregation, caregivers, and others in their supportive role."

HISTORY

"In the fall of 1977, Share began at St. John’s Hospital in Springfield, Illinois by Sister Jane Marie Lamb, OSF, and several hospital staffers due to the lack of resources experienced by one bereaved young family. Within four months, the first support group met. Over the past thirty years Share has grown to become an international organization with nearly 100 chapters.

This global movement has vastly improved the standards of care and rights towards bereaved families experiencing the death of a baby during the pregnancy, at birth or as an infant. Share is recognized as a principal provider for bereavement materials and resources. Also, Share is a leading educator and consultant for caregivers, clergy, funeral directors and the media. The National Share Office is supported primarily by donations, which help cover all the services offered including free resources sent to bereaved families, an annual subscription to Share’s newsletter, and our interactive website with twelve message boards.

In 1992, the National Share Office was moved near the campus of SSM St. Joseph Health Center in St. Charles, Missouri. The administration of SSM St. Joseph Health Center was instrumental in providing Share a wonderful home.

Currently, The National Share Office is run by fourteen Board of Directors with Mandy Murphey, a Fox 2 news anchor, as president. Executive Director, Cathi Lammert leads seven staff members in the Share National Office."

Although Share is an American organization, the resources available on this website are amazing. There are chat rooms, message boards, a link to an informative blog, as well as downloadable and purchasable articles discussing the grief experienced by different members of the family (children, parents, grandparents), memory creation and ways to support a grieving parent.

The Share online catalogue also provides a variety of books, videos and other resources in abundance and include healing journals and remembrance boxes.

Please click here to link to Share's website.

Stillbirths: Providing Support after the Loss of a Child

In a recent conversation with my sister, who is six months pregnant, it came up that her husband's relative had gone through one of life's cruelest experiences: a stillbirth. As I understand it, she was 7 months pregnant. My sister was set to share a baby shower with her. She is a very emotionally intelligent person, as well are many of us, but this is a situation that many people will never encounter. So it begs the question, with the absolute devastation that these parents are feeling, how do you provide support?

NOTE: Please keep in mind that there are other forms of perinatal loss (miscarriage, neonatal death, babies with permanent health anomalies, traumatic birth experience, adoption)

One must first understand the FOUR PHASES OF BEREAVEMENT (adapted from J. William Worden: Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy):

1. Shock and Numbness (first 2 weeks). This phase is characterized by a short attention span, difficult concentration, disbelief, lack of functioning, and denial.

2. Searching / Yearning (2nd week - 4th month). This phase is characterized by anger, guilt, restlessness and resentment primarily. There may be an obsession with getting pregnant again or a preoccupation with the deceased. Physically this phase may see a weight gain or loss, sleeping difficulties, aching arms, weakness and headaches.

3. Disorientation(5th to 9th month). This phase is characterized by a psychological confusion: "I'm Going Crazy" feeling, social withdrawal, forgetfulness, guilt, depression, insomnia, sadness, exhaustion and this overwhelming feeling of failure.

4. Reorganization and Resolution (half a year to 2nd year). Begin to think about the future again with their renewed sense of energy. They are able to smile and laugh again. Eating and sleeping habits are re-established.

Knowing these phases can better equip you with dealing with a grieving person.

Here are just a few things that you CAN SAY / DO:

"I'm sad for you"

"How are you doing with all this?"

"What can I do for you?"

"I'm sorry, I'm here and I want to listen"

Listen, touch, cry, attend the ceremony, remember them on all anniversaries (baby's due date, birthday and death day)

Here are things that your SHOULD NOT SAY:

"You're young, try again"

"You have an angel in heaven"

"Better this happen now, before you knew the baby"

"This happened for the best"

Calling the baby "fetus" or "it"

Here is also a list of resources to assist. Remember it is never too late for expressing your feelings to the family about their loss.

Giving Support After a Stillbirth. (This article is a general overview but very helpful)

Limbo, R.K. and Wheeler, S.R. (1998), When a baby dies: a handbook for healing and helping (2nd edition).

J. William Worden's Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy.

Lost Dream is a Canadian Based organization dedicated to helping the grief-stricken.

GWYNETH PALTROW'S GOT GOOP, I'VE GOT POOP

image taken from the etsy.com shop APERICOTS...go there to get cute baby onesies

I have been a dedicated follower and subscriber of Gwyneth Paltrow's GOOP.com. Most weeks she publishes a new online article that covers one of the six areas that seem to be paramount to her life: MAKE, GET, GO, DO, BE, SEE. It is a great website for all, especially stay at home moms. She pretty much does the research on things for you. She is easily relatable for me as well because we are both mothers of two working on ourselves to be better individuals to them.

This week's article touches on Postpartum Depression. Gwyneth for this article approached a OB/GYN for a definition, talked with Bryce Dallas Howard (actress and daughter to director/actor Ron Howard), and also talks to Heather Armstrong, a brave woman who has openly blogged for 9 years about her life and experiences, one being PPD.

Although the article is brief, it is compiled in a manner that reminds one that PPD affects many of us and that, in fact, it is okay to acknowledge. The links to the article can be found at the bottom of this post.

The title of this post however is what I want to get around to. While I deeply encourage you to go and subscribe to Gwyneth's online baby, I wanted to introduce you to a section that I will be having on this little blog called POOP.

Suffering from PPD myself after the birth of my second child, I know personally how overwhelming things can get. The purpose of POOP will be to share little anecdotes of my life with the girls to remind y'all that we do have our bad moments, days, sometimes weeks. But we are one on this journey through motherhood. Let's support each other.

xoxoxo

Crystal

Here are the links to the article and DOOCE.COM

For those living in the Ottawa AREA please contact the Ottawa Public Health Information at 613-560-6744 ext. 28020, your family physician, or the 24 hour Distress Centre 613-238-3311 for immediate support. You local Community Health centre or community centre may have support groups for new parents and I will be looking into them to post them on the blog.

BIRTHING AS A RITE OF PASSAGE

I have been given the esteemed honour of creating a baby shower for my sister. She is expecting her first child, on my birthday nonetheless, and I wanted to make the experience memorable, less about products and all about this wonderful rite of passage for both mother and babe. My dear sister, as well as I, feel very deeply about these so-called showers: we do not like them. The shower was historically a means by which to bestow blessings upon the baby and mother through ritual, love and culture. North American culture is so far removed from that as our consumerism has swept its way into our precious babies' lives and ours. Here is the link to an article published by a wiccan mother, Elder and Priestess, Sue Curewitz Arthen. And although I am not wiccan, the history she presents is accurate and her viewpoints well taken. I am concerned prenatally and postnatally about the mother and baby, their connection and their connection to the earth. I want my sister to experience the opposite of what my baby shower was: a room full of disconnect, unfamiliarity, and product.

Rites of Passage Celebration of Birth by Sue Curewitz Arthen

WELCOME

Thank you for visiting my blog. It is a place which will be dedicated to the things in my life that have become paramount since my first pregnancy 2 years and 39 weeks ago to this date. Discovering you are pregnant impacts one greatly. For me however, it shook the foundations of my being. I have never looked back.

For the majority of my life I felt like I have been searching for my calling. I dedicated myself wholeheartedly to my education, athletics and art. And while I excelled in all of these areas of my life, I never felt fulfilled. For years I had people telling me that I should be a scientist. I loved biology but there was a disconnect and lack of humanity that wasn't appealing. I had others telling me to pursue a fashion degree and my own self obsessed by the image agreed. Needless to say I entered university to study the broadest subject, Communications, with the potential for even more confusion, because anyone can complete the degree and any organization needs a communications specialist.

Three years later, my transcript was as colourful as the flavors at Baskin Robins: communications, PR, marketing, feminism, geography, English literature, psychology, and - uh? - witchcraft! I was top of my class (literally) with a degree in hand, but more confused than that first semester as an eighteen year old fresh out of highschool. I ended up spending the next 3 years hopping from job to job (real estate assistant, retail merchandiser, coffee shop worker, occasional party blogger, office administrator at a place that turned your DNA into art, graphic design assistant). Throughout my exploration of self I ended up working in a mailroom as pretty much a minion for legal assistants who were minions to lawyers. I liked to call it the Communications hub, but who was I kidding.

It was here however that I fell in love with a bike messenger who is presently my fiance and father to my two girls. Now I could continue and glamorize pregnancy and my connection to the baby and all the stuff that you want to hear that legitimizes my epiphany. But I won't because it didn't happen like that. The above story gives you a clear idea about my educational and "life purpose" pursuits, but it goes deeper than that. This confusion about life was largely manufactured by my past.

I take full responsibility for my actions as an adult but I believe that a lot of my life was shaped by my past. Firstly, I grew up in an abusive household where women were not valued but rather told verbally and by the fist that they were meaningless and useless. My mother was, undoubtedly, fearful of my biological father but each day of my life I was reminded that I was in fact useless. The emotional scars are buried so deep and can never be healed fully. Although I have a deep empathy for my mother I also harbour a deep resentment, which led me to make a vow to never bring my children up in such a way. To teach them love through example, respect, and respect for the earth is paramount to me.

This environment also was the breeding ground for a low self-esteem and lack of confidence. My body was praised for its beauty or ridiculed for lack there of. My breasts were just too big, sexual playthings to be embarassed of. I had no role model, no one to tell me about my body or explain the beauty of it.

When I began my pregnancy I was set on having a C-section and bottle feeding. This is what my own mother did. I didn't trust myself as a woman or mother. It was my husband (I call him that) who convinced me of that strength and mainly the first visit to an unwelcoming male OB-GYNs office that frightened me. Something from that first meeting seemed so unnatural. After discussion my husband convinced me to get on a waiting list to see a midwife. For me, as I am sure for most, the information surrounding midwifery was not readily available and I was definitely ignorant. But that first meeting was eye opening. I felt like a woman, a strong person who had the power to birth this baby. I was surrounded by warmth, acceptance, and support.

I decided to give birth at home and it was possible to as well because I was low risk. And on July 13th, 2008, I naturally gave birth to my daughter Charlotte Harlow Laine in her grandparents' home. She was amazing, my strength was amazing, breastfeeding was amazing! Immediately after giving birth I started to look into a potential career in supporting women through their birth experience. I became a postpartum trained doula with DONA 4 months after Charlotte's birth. I spend my free time researching all things to do with doula-ing, child development, veganism, and environment.

My ultimate goal is to become a midwife but in January we welcomed our daughter Harriet. And because it is our goal to have one parent at home with our children until the age of school entering and breastfeeding complete, my application submission into the program is a ways off. Until that time I plan on using this blog as a personal research project and a resource for pregnant and new mothers.

I also would love to support mothers in the Ottawa region through doula-ing and dream of creating a "MOTHER EARTH CHILD COLLECTIVE" that embraces mothers, their individual choices, and their children, and supports them in becoming the mothers they want to be.

Please follow me on my journey as I support you in yours.

Crystal